|Semi-Annual trip to LJ Land
||[Oct. 12th, 2007|10:12 pm]
I seriously go through long stretches of time where I forget this thing exists. Apologies to the people who I adore on here who have no other way of keeping track of me, I get caught up in real life sometimes, and all I do online anymore is check my email and my myspace. |
Anyway, real life kind of sucks at the moment, after a long period of actually improving all the time, and being pretty awesome. Basically, I met someone great, we fell for each other, but we're in the process of breaking up because he's way too emotionally unavailable and unwilling to be in a relationship at this juncture. He's five years older than me physically, but otherwise, about 20 years younger in every respect. It's really really hard on me, because I never open myself up to this kind of hurt, and I can't fucking stand it. Maybe I'll get lucky, he'll grow up and fucking get some balls and realize the opportunity that's being wasted, but you know... things don't always work out all perfect-like. They usually get nowhere near it, so I guess for now I just hope it won't take me forever to get un-depressed about it. Currently, I wake up, cry a lot, get angry, then numb, go to work, or lay around reading all the time. Basically Super-Depressed Mode Without An End In Sight. But today, I put an end to a juvenile week-long bout of being ignored by my soon-to-be ex-boyfriend by begging the question: "So, are you ever going to speak me again, or what?" To which I received a subdued: "Yes." Me: "When?" Him: "I don't know." Me: "Well it's really not helping anything, and I think it's really fucking rude." Him: "Well can I call you tonight after work?" Me: "Yes." /end interaction
So this is the first we've spoken to each other in over a week, and this is post-angry-harsh e-mail from me requesting my stuff back, and calling him out on being a jackass, to which I received no response.
And what caused all this strife to begin with? I really have no fucking clue! We've been having the same arguments for fucking ever about what each of us want and don't want out of being together, and keeping it simple, etc... things I'm all very flexible about, and then a week from last Tuesday we had a huge drunken fight where I got everything off my chest that was annoying me, we both cried, I told him to fuck off, and get out, he said no, didn't want to break up, etc. Next day, we pretend nothing happened, I figured we'd talk about it later. He invited me over that night to watch a movie, said he'd call when he got off work... guess who never called for fucking days on end.
So it's this whole stupid mess, and his actions of the past couple weeks should especially make me run for the hills, and I AM resigned to breaking it off, but I can't help the fact that I pretty much fell in love fast and hard, and I don't want that to just disappear. It's driving me fucking insane right now, and I don't really know what I'm gonna do if and when he calls me tonight. I know what I should do and what I want to do, but I need some sort of happy medium because neither would work in the end.
God... this is why I missed LJ... I can vent on here like I can't anywhere else, because Angel won't read this here, but someone will, and therefore I will get either advice or sympathy, or if not, just general cathartic release for about 5 minutes until I'm on my own in the real world again.
Other than all of this, I'm doing pretty all right. I love Austin. But I hate this fucking heartache.